omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
