I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
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