It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
