im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
