his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
