when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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