There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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