In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize