I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
