I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
