mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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