Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Randomize
