That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
