Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
