please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
