Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
