I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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