I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
