matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
