i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
