My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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