Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Randomize
