please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Randomize