Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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