Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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