he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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