what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
