Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
