omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
