if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
