i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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