All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
