my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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