i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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