I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize