Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
