Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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