i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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