the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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