I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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