i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
