omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
