He uses pillows to masturbate.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
