We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
