My liver just broke up with me...
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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