remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
