Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
