Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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