You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
