apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
