this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize
