yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
