I think I died a long time ago.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
