meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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