Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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