My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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