what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
