I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
