i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize